Painting the Baby’s Room

The Birth StoryCat in the Hat

Painting By Numbers

Man Infringes Copyrights in Baby’s Room

Friday, February 03, 2006 8:48 PM

I have decided that it would be cool to paint cartoon characters on the baby’s room/my office walls. Since Katrina could pop any day now, my procrastination on this idea had to come to an end. So, I found pictures of the charactersBlue Fish I wanted on the Internet, or I scanned them from books, then made transparencies of them. I rented an overhead projector, and started to trace the images on the walls in pencil. It took hours to do, but was not too tiring. I chose The Cat in the Hat, Sam from Green Eggs and Ham, Winnie the Pooh, Calvin of Calvin & Hobbes, Dilbert, Homer Simpson, and the fish from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.Homer Continue Reading…

Do Not Circumcise My Baby, Even If It’s A Boy

Hold the genital mutilation

Never was the phrase, “I’m steamed!” more apropos.

The Birth Story

Man Seeks to Prevent His Baby’s Mutilation

Wednesday, February 01, 2006 9:15 AM

Today, we are going over a birth plan with our nurse/practitioner. She has a checklist of questions, but we have already gone online and created our own. I have two big issues for the birth plan: Do not clamp the umbilical cord until it stops pulsing, and NO circumcision. Continue Reading…

Go Back to Sleep; The Baby’s Not Dead

still unborn

At least Peter was asleep when he had his crazy panics.

The Birth Story

Pregnant Woman Punches Self to Awaken Baby

Monday, January 30, 2006 6:31 AM

I understand that some people might think I’m crazy. Heck, I think I’m crazy. I fully admit that I am at best, neurotic, and at worst, crazy as a loon. But Katrina is crazy, too. People just don’t think she’s crazy. They dismiss any signs of lunacy with the pregnant woman’s mindset. But she’s not just pregnant, she’s crazy. I know this.

How do I know this? When she wakes up at four in the morning and can’t feel the baby move for five minutes, she starts slapping and poking her belly to stir our baby into action. She complains daily about how much the baby moves and kicks and punches her. But if the baby is still for five minutes, she thinks it dead. Continue Reading…

Pregnancy Eating: Are You Going to Finish That?

pregnancy eating

And on that night, Peter went to bed hungry.

The Birth Story

Man Renounces Claims on All Food for Pregnant Wife

Sunday, January 29, 2006 12:37 PM

Pregnancy Eating

I don’t get to eat restaurant leftovers anymore. Friday night we went out for Katrina’s birthday. I ate half my meal, stopping short of satiety so I could have another full meal as leftovers. But I forgot that Katrina is pregnant and thus has the right of first refusal on all leftovers. On all food, for that matter. Continue Reading…

“I know, right?” is making me insane


Man Upset by Teens’ Murdering of King’s English

Youngsters: I know you don’t care about my mental health, but your ubiquitous use of the phrase “I know, right?” is harming my attempt to remain on the good side of the sanity/insanity border.

frazzled father

Peter looks a little insane.
“I know, right?”

Maybe you don’t understand why your phrase is so vacuous, so let me break it down for you. A friend of yours says something that you agree with. Saying, “I know, right?” is asking them whether they agree with you in agreeing with them. Do you follow this? The “I know” part affirms their statement. The “right?” part asks them if they agree with what you just said. Therefore, you are asking them whether they agree with themselves. Unless your friend has preceded me into insanity, I think it’s safe to assume that they agree with themselves.

A friend of mine sees it differently:

“I know, right?” isn’t asking the original speaker whether they agree with themselves. It’s asking the original speaker whether they agree that they are being agreed with. By saying “I know, right?” you’re actually saying, “I agree with you. Do you agree that I’m agreeing with you?”

The real danger of this is that if the original speaker replies to “I know, right?” by saying, “I know, right?” You could get caught in a recursive loop.


“BBQ ribs are delicious.”

“I know, right?”

“I know, right?”

“I know, right?”

Ad infinitum. Ad nauseum.

Either way, it’s annoying.

I was holding steady with my tolerance for upspeak and the overuse of the word “like,” but this is too much for my delicate mental condition to withstand. So I’m asking that you please scale back on your use of the phrase. It’s like, driving me like, totally crazy. You know, right?

Get Ready

frazzled father


The Birth Story

Man Psychologically Unprepared for Baby, Among Other Things

Saturday, January 28, 2006 6:02 PM

I know I will be psychologically unprepared for the arrival of my son. That’s a given. What is really starting to worry me is that I have been gearing up my mental preparedness for February 20th, our due date, like it was a given. I have been figuring that my loins will be as girded as they’re going to get by February 20th, but there is no guarantee that the baby won’t come sooner. And if it does, I will be even less prepared than I will be on February 20th. Continue Reading…

The Secret Ice Bucket Challenge

The Secret Ice Bucket Challenge

ice bucket

It’s more challenging when you’re naked and you don’t know it’s coming.

Idiot Almost Kills Father

Many years before the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge was a thing, it was my thing, but it was secret and it was only once. Let me explain.

I was 20 years old and showering in the one bathroom in my family’s apartment which was shared by six people. When you have that kind of people to bathroom ratio, you’re not allowed to lock the bathroom door when you’re taking a shower. Continue Reading…