Full Frontal Nudity

interwebs

The Internet connects us all…to porn.

Why I Hate the World Wide Internets

I hate the Interwebs. Nobody reads my blog. Apparently, I don’t comment enough on other blogs or retweet enough or do any of the million other things you’re supposed to do to “drive traffic to your website.” And that’s okay. I don’t know how other do it, but I barely find time to write one blog post per week.

The thing that gets me, though, is what people seem to want from the Internet – bullet-pointed lists of ways to make their lives better, or porn. Continue Reading…

Parenting Someone Else’s Child

bathroom

If you’ve ever tried to help a 3 year-old in an airplane bathroom, you know that next time you’ll tell him, “Just wet your pants.”

Parenting – One Interaction at a Time

Man Pleased That Stranger Thinks Him a Good Parent

Every once in a while, just as you are doubting your ability to parent, something odd will happen to spur you on.

I wrote a one-woman show, and was on the way to New York City with the actress, where the show was being performed Off-Broadway. The actress was bringing her five-year old nephew along to spend a few days with his father, who lives in NYC.

We landed in New York, and I asked the boy if he had to go potty.

“No.”

“Why don’t you come with me and just try?”

He came with me into the crowded men’s room and did his business at the low urinal. He was done way before I was and I asked him to wash his hands.

He couldn’t reach the faucet.

“Hang on, buddy, I’ll be right there.”

I finished and rushed to his aid, hoisting him up so he could wash his hands, and talking him through the process.

As we headed for the exit, a man put his hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eyes and said, “Your son is lucky to have you.” Continue Reading…

The Sex Talk

sex talk

But be careful: Sexual knowledge, in the wrong hands, can take an eye out.

Don’t Wait Too Long for The Sex Talk

My father came to my basement bedroom when I was 15 to give me the talk. I think he would have skipped the talk altogether if not for my mother’s prodding.

Here Comes The Sex Talk

“Your mother thinks I should talk to you about…ya’ know…sex and stuff.” I’m not sure what the “and stuff” referred to. My guess is something mechanical, because that’s what my dad knew best (which is not to say sex can’t be mechanical…)

Instead of telling him that we were taught sex ed. in third grade in my Catholic school, and questioning how out of touch my parents could be (My mom frequently volunteered at the school, yet she had no idea we spent a semester on this?), I stood there in stunned silence, waiting for the next awkward thing my dad was going to say. Continue Reading…

Stepping Out of Your Older Sibling’s Shadow

loud

Thunderfoot

Step into the Light, Birthday Girl.

“Happy birthday. Did you see your sister’s picture in the paper?”

It’s Thunderfoot’s birthday today. As the younger sister, she has always been in the shadow of her older sister, who is well-liked, smart, and at ease in social situation. Thunderfoot is smarter (She’s a National Merit Scholar), but socially inept. For that and other reasons, she has trouble making friends…and avoiding enemies.

But she is 18 today. That’s one of the big three birthdays for kids—16, 18 and 21. It’s her birthday, and the focus should be on her today. But her older sister is on the front page of the Business section of today’s (Sunday) paper, as she prepares to go to Nicaragua on a women’s fair-trade coffee cooperative thingy. Continue Reading…

Why I Hate the Dog I Love

filthy animal

Sure, she looks regal here. But put her on a treadmill for a couple minutes and see what happens.

Everybody Poops

Some do it on the treadmill.

Man Swears Like a Lunatic in Empty House

Eighty percent of our house is hard floors—either tile or wood. When the dog vomits, it does so on the carpeting 100% of the time. It also does it when the Wife, Principessa and Thunderfoot, who begged, cried and pleaded for the dog, are not home.

But cleaning up dog vomit is a relative joy for me compared to the worst canine house-fouling incident in the history of mankind. I know you think I’m being hyperbolic, but I’m not. I’ve checked the history books and the internets, and there is no worse case ever.

Lorelei is an Australian Shepard. I insisted on this breed because they’re good-looking and an intelligent breed. I knew that, despite their overblown protestations to the contrary, the girls and the Wife would not take care of the dog as promised. I wanted a dog that was easy to train because I KNEW that training would be limited, and mostly fall to me.

“YOU’RE the one who insisted on an Aussie.”

Aussies need lots of exercise. When the girls and the wife quickly lowered the frequency of their dog-walking operations, it came to me to find a solution. My solution: Teach the dog to walk on the treadmill. This was a lot easier than one might think. I put the leash on Lorelei and we walked together on the treadmill. Not long after, I put her on the treadmill by herself, and she walked. And walked. And walked. The problem was that if we forgot about her, she would walk for 100 minutes—the maximum our treadmill would continue for before shutting off.

It didn’t seem like a big deal at first, but if you know how dogs operate, you know that exercise gets the things in the digestive tract moving. And Lorelei will not get off the treadmill until it stops…even if she has to poop. I’m not exactly sure how this is possible, but Lorelei can poop while trotting at five miles per hour. Continue Reading…

Should I Have a Baby?

should I have a baby

Daddy was never allowed to dress his daughter again.

Should I Have a Baby?

Sibling Asks Idiot Most Important Question Possible; Experts Warn Him to Ignore Answer

My brother asked me if I thought he should have a baby. The fact that he asked me for advice automatically means the answer should be no, since his judgment is so poor. But this is what I wrote instead. (Some things are specific to him, but I think most of this applies to most people.)

It’s too late for you to produce a cousin/playmate for Junior, so our selfish reasons will not affect my answer, except that I fear this will seriously affect Poker Night.

Right now, your life has highs and lows. That doesn’t change when you have a baby, but it intensifies. Your highs are higher and your lows are lower. When you and your baby are sick and she is crying in the middle of the night and you are so tired that you feel dizzy, you will feel lower than you ever have in your life.

And when you lay your toddler down to sleep after reading him stories in a funny voice and gently rocking him, and he whispers “I love you too, Daddy,” your heart will melt with incredible tears of love and joy. Continue Reading…

The Tooth Fairy Is A Thief

tooth fairy

If I knew as a kid that the Tooth Fairy looked like this, I never would have gone to sleep after losing a tooth.

Can Anyone Break a Twenty?

Dad of the Year Candidate Slips to Bottom of Rankings After Tooth Fairy Incident

What does the Tooth Fairy do when he’s got nothing smaller than a twenty?

Well, this Tooth Fairy panics, then steals a dollar from his son’s piggy bank while he’s asleep and puts it under his son’s pillow.

Then, in a moment of self-awareness for the Tooth Fairy, he reflects on what he just did, and feels like a really crappy Tooth Fairy.

Yep.

Parenting. I’m doing it wrong.

Top 5 Reasons You Will Not Believe What Happens Next Will Make You Cry

literally

Actual photograph of the Internet literally exploding.

Hyperbole Literally Makes the Internet Explode

Clickbait Hurts Everyone to the Point of Death

I get it. Really, I do. The more people click on your link, the more money you make. But the escalation of internet grandiosity is starting to grate. To get clicks, your headline has to be bigger, taller, faster, more emotional than the other guy’s.

But we are over-promising and under-delivering. We’re getting sick of the internet. Continue Reading…