It just doesn’t appear that way.
Lazy Father Forgets to Parent Boy
The wife has taken a job three hours away for two consecutive days a week. That means I’m in charge of Junior, 8. Me. All by myself. Here’s my chance to shine.
However, on Day 1, I suffered a setback.
I helped and encouraged the boy to get ready for school. We got in the van in plenty of time and drove to the bus stop. I got out of the car, grabbed the stop sign that sits by the side of the road, placed it in the middle of the street, and got back in my van and waited with Junior.
Some of the parents in our neighborhood had been concerned because cars were doing 45 in a 25mph zone past the bus stop, so a bunch of us had a meeting, had a cross walk painted on the pavement, and bought a stop sign. The idea was that a parent would put out the stop sign to allow the kids to cross the street safely and be run over at 25mph instead of 45mph. After the bus had collected the children, the stop sign was to be removed until the next school morning, and the racetrack that is our subdivision’s main road would get the green flag for the rest of the day.
That was the plan anyway. Continue Reading…
Junior decided to wait a few more years before trying to talk to these boobs again.
The Birth Story
I Love You
Delusional New Father Believes 2 mo. old Can Talk
[As you can see by my prior post in this series, the task of taking care of a newborn brought my Birth Story series to a grinding halt. This entry, the last, was the only thing I wrote after the birth of my son. It so affected me that I had to write about it.]
Saturday, April 29, 2006 2:37 AM
Katrina has fed Junior, and he will not go back to sleep. She is handing him off to me. I sit in the glider/rocker in his room/my office with Junior on my shoulder. He has the hiccups. Katrina and I have joked that his first word was ‘hiccup.’ In the last couple of days, I have been repeating to him the words ‘I love you.’ Two days ago, I would swear he said it. Now, granted, it sounded a little like Scooby Doo saying ‘I love you,’ but nevertheless, it was clear to me. Katrina was duly unimpressed, even after Principessa verified that she heard him say it, too.
“If he said it, it’s not like he knew what he was saying. It’s like training a parrot.”
I found this to be particularly cold-hearted. I mean, what is the learning of human speech for a baby all about? Imitation. Of course he doesn’t know what he’s saying. But, so what? Why does she keep trying to get him to say ‘Mama’? Continue Reading…
And Your Little Teacher, Too
Local Boy Wants Dorothy’s Teacher Dead
My close, personal friend, Blaine Prescott III, relates this parenting story:
The kids have discovered the creepy goodness that is The Wizard of Oz. We rented it from the library last week, and they’ve watched it twice now.
Colin wants to be certain that every last molecule of the Wicked Witch is expunged from existence. So in the car on the way to Scouts last night he proposed this:
“Hey, Dad, wouldn’t it be cool if when Dorothy woke up from her dream about Oz that her awful teacher was dead, too?”
I told him something liberal and parenty like, well, son, wouldn’t it be better if the teacher would recognize that it’s not nice to be so mean and change her ways, maybe treat Dorothy and Toto a little more kindly. Maybe the teacher is lonely, or had a tough life, and that’s why she is so mean to other people. We shouldn’t really wish for somebody’s death, son.
Colin said, “Yeah, I guess. But wouldn’t it be cool?”
“Take out a number two pencil, my pretties.”
Blaine Prescott III is a legendary gay pornographic film star and/or cast member in community theatre productions.
Get Me a Furnace Filter! Stat!
Bad Father Threatens Son’s Respiratory Health with His Forgetfulness
We have a geothermal heating system that requires two uncommon sized filters (18x30x1). I have to buy them online and they are more expensive than conventionally sized ones. I thought I was going to save money when I bought two permanent, washable filters, but, while the filters were washable, they were not cleanable. No matter how long I hit them with a stream of water from our garden hose, they still appeared dirty and clogged.
I blame the filthy animal that lives with us that we call our dog. She is an Australian Shepard—a double coated heavy shedder and twice-a-
It was worth a shot.
year extra heavy shedder.
We have hardwood floors and tile throughout our house, but if you fall, you will be uninjured, as you will land in a thick, cushioning layer of dog hair that covers every horizontal surface in our home.
In an act of mercy, I decided to stop forcing the furnace to try to suck air through these permanently clogged permanent filters, and I bought disposable filters again.
Then I forgot to change the filters. My clue to this was the furnace was tripping the circuit breakers. This had happened before when we try to move the room temperature more than two degrees at a time (Nothing in our house works properly), but when we started using the heating system this fall, it was happening all the time and on one degree moves. Now that outdoor temperatures are below freezing, we have been afraid to leave the house for more than a few hours. We didn’t want to come back to an ice cave. Continue Reading…
Kicked out of the only home he had ever known, Junior was staring down another potential trauma.
If Circumcision Weren’t So Common, We’d Think It Insane
Man Attempts to Keep Newborn Son’s Body Intact
Moments after my son was born, a nurse asked me, “Do you want him circumcised?” We had already filled out a form and been asked many times before this day if we wanted our son circumcised and our answer was always an emphatic, “No!” Why did we fill out a form if you’re not going to follow the instructions on the form not to cut off pieces of our newborn?
I’ve written about circumcision before in my post Do Not Circumcise My Baby, Even If It’s A Boy, but I’m not done ranting yet.
My son was born with a large skin tag next to his ear. No one made mention of cutting that off. They were more interested in cutting off the tip of his penis.
Let me be clear: I am against genital mutilation in all forms. Male circumcision, female genital mutilation, or other, I’m against it. While we’re at it, let’s just say I’m against mutilation in general. It doesn’t have to be genital in nature.
As this video shows (in a humorous manner), our reasons for circumcising boys are ridiculous, or should I say, “redickulous”? (Probably not. I’m trying to be serious here.)
When I told my friends I wasn’t going to circumcise my son, I faced resistance. Continue Reading…
Peter’s film career was short-lived.
I wrote this story shortly after Junior’s birth. It is 100% fiction, though my wife would say it is 75% fiction.
Quiet on the set! Action!
I’ve been away. Not for long, but for too long. I can’t believe how much my infant son has grown. There seems to be so much I’ve missed. And I’ve missed it forever. This will be the only child that I’ll have. Soon after he was born, I had the clamps put on my vas deferens (vas deferenses?) I have two young step-daughters, but my wife insisted we have a child of our own. It was hard to argue with her. Women usually get their way on such things (think Michael Douglas, Tony Randall, etc.)
I’ve missed so much, but never again. I am vowing here and now, never to leave my baby’s side again. I will be there for every precious diaper change; Every flinging of strained beets onto the kitchen floor; every mocking face he makes at his mother’s demands to clean his room. I know it’s probably very unhealthy for both me and the baby and will require years of therapy of each of us later, but I don’t care. Life is too short. Babies grow up too fast and, as Aerosmith so aptly reminded me, I don’t want to miss a thing. Continue Reading…
Teaching Our Children to be Obedient Little Soldiers
Militant Pledge Reciter
My son is a rule follower and perfectionist. The first time I heard him recite the Pledge of Allegiance, I cringed, truly hearing the words like I never have before, and hearing them spoken with such fervor and rigidity. Was the school teaching my child to be a tool of the state?
I never much thought about the Pledge when I was growing up. It sounded stupid to me (why would I pledge allegiance to a symbol?), but I went along with the program and dutifully recited it with the rest of the drones.
I just read a post on this by the Dissident Dad. Here’s a snippet:
Nationalism and blind patriotism is crucial in keeping a population dumbed-down and ignorant, which is why if you think about it, pledging allegiance to the government we have today is truly a backwards thing to do. Teaching it to a small child is particularly degrading.
As a dad who is proud of my own liberty, this makes life tough sometimes. Do I teach my kids the truth or go with the flow?
Read the rest of the post here: I Pledge Allegiance…
Peter, how many children should I have?
Is zero the happiest number?
I have been planning a post on how many kids to have, or maybe I have already written it and am too forgetful and lazy to find it. Regardless, a new study is out showing that A.) Having kids is overrated, B.) The Law of Diminishing Returns quickly rears its ugly head, and C.) by the time you realize your life is ruined, it’s much too late.
Here’s a snippet:
First and second children provide parents a boost in happiness up to a year before they are born but the third does not, new research finds.
The increase in happiness lasts around one year from birth, after which some parents’ happiness returns to its usual pre-baby levels.
The research, published in the journal Demography, found that it’s the first child that provides the greatest boost in happiness, while the increase from the second is about half the size (Myrskylä & Margolis, 2014).
To read the rest of the article, click here.